I hate her.

 I hate her and her continuous need to fit in.  I hate her for taking her meager earnings and student loans to clothe her pre-schooler in the hottest most expensive brands. I hate her for buying a phone she couldnt afford on a plan she couldnt afford because she "needed" I hate hearing how she has noone when she has 20-30 people she hangs out with, a full schedule of softball and beach vacations and group tanning. I hate that she has the best of it all and complains that she never has anything.  I hate her two facedness. I hate that shes only with a man because she is afraid of losing her status, her money and her stability. I hate her for dragging me shopping when she knows I cant barely afford food while I watch her buy 50.00 plastic flipflops and whatever else that has a brand name. I hate her for ditching me whenever anyone else becomes available, I hate her for only calling when she's been ditched or noone else has answered there phone. I hate her for never calling, I hate her for saying she'll call tommorow at 6pm and not call for 5 months. I hate that I'm use to it. I hate her for not standing up for herself with joe, when he crosses every line and suddenly started treating her like dirt after 5 years.  I hate her for expecting him to pay 100% for a 7 day vacation and getting upset when he insisted she pay for some of it at the very least some of it for her and her son.

 I hate her for leaning on me for said week... draining me for everything I had, keeping me tied to the computer incase she needed me and she couldnt call because he would overhear.

 I hate her for posting openly on facebook, bating me to comment back and when I did innocently? she turns on me, the loyal friend,  telling me how she THOUGHT she could count on me that Joe is an angel and has never done anything wrong that I'm not her friend that she's so lonely and exsosted from fitting in that she needed me but she guesses that she's all alone and thats why she's sitting alone at her house (after a week on the beach, at bush gardens, at all this fun shit) That she's done with facebook unless she gets a message. (hint hint)

and I hate her for putting me in that position, I have done nothing but support her, love her for all her faults, love her for her.. not what she pretends to be.  I hate her for making me cry. I hate her for the fact that I still wish her well.  I hate her for the fact that she's never there for me but I know if she'd call tommorow I'd give her anything she needed.

I've been loyal to her since Kindergarden...  and She wanted to continue this drama shit... so I told her.. I'm not doing it.. and when you come around you know where to find me.. until then.. I am the one who is done.  and I hit that delete button...    She was the only flesh and blood friend I had.. she wasnt someone digital she wasnt a neighbor.. she was my friend.. real.. and even though we rarely got together.. when we did it was something I needed,  real human contact.   And her son was my last link to my cousin landon, may he rest in peace.

and all this drama?  I was ok with her shoveling it on me, I was supportive.. he's so mean! and you deserve better!that she should talk to him.. and all that (and I meant it)   but the second she said I wasnt a good friend and he was some great thing...  thats the end of the line.

 He was the one who fucked up, travelling a half hour out of his way after work (11pm) to hang out with some girl at her work (walmart) all night and then getting breakfast in the morning.   lying about ordering a pizza and staying in by himself when her co workers bumped into him at a bar that night with the same girl?  all of a sudden she was the one calling, asking to come over, he never asked.  She had to initiate everything...  contact, sex, everything.He stopped showering her with gifts..  all this stuff.   after they got engaged, in there 5th year together he completely changed.   and she accidentally let it slip that she was unhappy and it was my fault her dream life came to an end?

I hate him. and I hate her.  and I really wish I'd have not been there for her. I feel stupid and angry and sad and frustrated and lonely.  really lonely.  not her pretend lonely...  not this pitty me shit.. just honestly lonely. 

I'm working on my relationship.. I'm getting a brazillian wax in the hopes that physical intimacy will be sparked and that in itself will spark something...   at least for an hour or so a day.... maybe he'd watch tv with me...

I'm doing yoga which makes me feel good, everything is stretched and excersise after feels like nothing, the boost in circulation is... cool.   I'm ordering a bike adapter for my bike and johns buying me a bike rack that is compatible for my jeep (if we can find one)  and boo and I are going to do 10 miles a day.. (its a lvl 5 miles each way and it takes only an hour)  I'm walking every night and after my last gym panicish attack I've made excuses not to go.. that and I've been lazy.. but if julia can lose 45 lbs in a month and a half?  so can I.   and she's not doing more than an hour to an hour and a half excersise a day and she's not "dieting"

 Mac was good while I was there, we had two incidents where I had to be firm/timeout/call his dad/ smack his ass..  the first time was about food, and I sent him to bed without supper.. second was about his sneaking the gunnea pig outside after I said no, and then he almost lost him, I combatted him by picking up the phone to call dad.. both were sucessful.

 I realized how much I want to live there.. be safe.. happy..   and they offered, alot.  John called every day for approx. 2 minuets until the last day, it was 3 minuets. even on his days off.. he could only talk to me while feeding the dogs. (he had warcraft to play, duh)

 The neighbors Kimmy and Dave had a cookout monday when uncle ted and peg came home, which I guess is a regular occurance, they have an awesome tennessee tree walker hound, who is arguably the coolest dog.  the food was great, all the neighbors showed up and gossipped and just sat around.. and I realized how much I really liked it. (of course I was just sitting, eating and watching/listening) next to peg, it was nice. I wish I had friends.

they sit around every night and have a beer or two, cookouts on the weekends. it just is soo nice.. normal. I like them too, other than the noticable difference between me and normal 25 year olds (everyone can tell, and it causes me stress) it was wonderful.

we took Mac to the parade, he about had a tantrum because noone was throwing candy.. thankfully they did.

John called on my last day and fought with me about me getting a car.. . about me in general... about how HE had to gather garbage, and there was so much I needed to get home and do, I hung up and sat on the floor, leaning on the fridge... he knows how to set me off.. thankfully full blown panic attack didnt happen (new meds) and I was thankful, just crying... until I saw  mac had come in and was looking at me, I explained that I was just sad.. no need to worry. but he did.. and its the first thing he told his mom when she got home. (gee, thanks.)

 I came home tuesday, John didnt leave the keys under the seat, he did however leave one of the doors unlocked so i could transfer my suitcase in to his car..  And he armed the damn alarm.   I know he's malicious, I know its something he would do..  I hope it was an accident.  I tracked him down in the store.. after walking the parking lot while people stared..  got the keys..  he's going on and on about how he missed me, and how he's going to take an early lunch because he's starving,  I was hungry, tired, and since he missed me so much...  I said, why dont we walk over to the mcdonnalds? I knew from his face... and he backtracked, oh... uh... well.. the managers are all going to have coffee at subway... (which they do every day, 2ce a day at least.. I've been gone six days, and he knew I was starving)  I said ok.. and when I got in the car I was embarrassed about how upset I was over it.. this stuff happens all the time..  I met up with him at mcdonnalds once.. where he has lunch... and he chose to sit with shawn and jamie and have me sit alone on the other side of the restaraunt, he did buy me food, he just chose to not eat lunch with me.. all the time.. but it really made me feel even sadder.  yeah he missed me sooooo much.

I came home to a mess, garbage wasnt gathered right, dogs were a mess, piles of stuff all over, bathroom was gross... and not one of my animals came over and said hi, I was ignored for two days... then boo looked at me like, oh! hi! your home.. and shark bumped me on the way out the door.

wensday his mom came and offered me a deal.. 2400....cash. I could pay 25.00 a month to her.. and get my car.  now.. 25.00 AND my soul.  its the same deal she made shannon,  which means she can come into my house with no warning, she can decide what I'm doing any given day and if she feels the need I may walk into my home one day to find her painting my hallway "a nicer color" (which has happened to his sister) basically it was her way of getting control in our lives.

 John freaked on me.. let me have it royally...  and then decided that I could have my car. I was stunned.. wtf?

so thursday we did.. I pissed him off by getting my birthcontrol shot (not that we have sex anyway) I'm not even playing around.. not with him.

 I got the car... a dream come true.. I had a car once... for six months or so... my parents needed it and it blew up.. my step father decided not to get it fixed.. and left it at the tow lot... and they took it and everything that was in it too. ( I lost a lot, I had stuff in my car)

 I've waited 6 or so years to get another car...   Johns motives?  control.  I've had it a day and he's already screamed at me (yeah) for using it..  and buying bread..  SCREAMED.    and threatened to.. and I'm not kidding.. to GROUND Me FROM MY CAR.  Fuck him. he didnt help me one bit.. he did however make sure his name was on the car..  co-owner. I went 5 minuets away for bread. he yelled for going, he yelled for spending money.. MY MONEY. on bread.  me has a feeling that this isnt going to get better, that its going to get worse.

after the last post (this is not during or before the drama of my last large post)

 after I had to watch john curled up in the fetal position in the entryway sobbing like a little girl  Dex came home.. All is well now that the dog is alright.   After a day of verbal assaults so bad that our neighborhood thinks I need to leave him and are trying to convince me to, all the agressive and abusive behavior...after I was out walking for 8 hours strait, then stomping in the woods for 2 hours in the rain and doing everything I could to find his dog, including calling the police and the local pound.  I didnt even get an apology.  apherently I deserved all that I got.

He's now smoking in the house, he knows my pulminary issues, doesnt give a fuck.  I dont raise a fuss when we are out and about, all my family and most of the people we know smoke...  the one thing I asked was no smoking in the house and he lights up and is so cocky and shit about it..  asshole.

Had my yardsale, hardly sold anything cause the weather was really off.  the profit I did make, John took it. Naturally.    He did offer it to me, but it came at too much of a cost..  and it wasnt really an offer, it was an "I'm asking you, without really meaning it.." a this is more of a formality kind of a deal. Which I'm used to.

 He then suddenly took us out to dinner, and suprised me at bill time.. I treated us to dinner! OH! ha! If I would have known I was paying for dinner.. (later in the week)we would have eaten at home... or at the very most an inexpensive place.. NOT red lobster. He knows how little I make... He knows for a fact that I cant afford that... but he decided to exersise his control and force me to pay. and here I was happy.. thought he was being nice and treating me to dinner... a really nice dinner.. of which I am now resentful about. He knew I wouldnt argue, not after all that had happened.. so he did it

 Today he called at lunch to "check in" as he always does, asked what was for dinner in a way that led me to believe he knew exactly what he wanted.  I told him it was up to him, just let me know before he got home. He didnt..  then tells me its no big deal, not to make anything.  He knows I dont eat or cook unless he wants food, or is eating too, I hate to waste...   So he knows I will and wants me to go hungry.  and he doesnt give a fuck. of course this is like most nights, he eats on 2 breaks and then eats a huge lunch at a local restaraunt too.. so..

I've had a horrible headache for two days, asked if we could go out (5 min from here to eatnpark) and he said no.

He's pissed I wasnt home on friday (watching the kids next door) and I went out on tuesday with dani and didnt get home until he did. (he actually got home 10 min before I did)  and now I'll pay in his passive-agressive and downright agressive ways.

 Somedays I cant even be in the room with him, right now, I'm sitting at the computer crying and he'll never notice, and if he did, he sure as hell wont care, he'll care enough to scream at me... for disrupting his life.

and here he is planning this 3 day vacation... and I'd rather not... I'd really rather not go...  at this moment I'd rather be anywhere from here,  except on a "vacation" with him. 

 Its days like today i wish I would have endured the pain of the breakup.. wished I didnt miss him so much... need him so much..